1.      The “Gotta protect my hand guys” they have a small pp, AQ or AK in the hole so they bet out ¾ of their chips or more because they have to protect their hand and they are happy with the 30 in chips they picked up from the sb and bb then they show the table their hand like they did some big play because they didn’t want their hand to get “outdrawn”  Yeah these guys do this once or twice more then run into a bigger hand and lose all their chips in one play because they “didn’t want to get outdrawn and had to protect their hand”

 

2.  The I’m scared so I’ll minimum bet guy:  they call your pre flop raise and hit top pair but they are scared so they min  bet then when you re-raise them they call,  then they min bet the turn hoping you don’t have a better hand and will let them go to showdown at the river very cheaply.  Nothing more aggrevating than having KK and an ace flops and some monkey min bets to the river hoping their A9 offsuit holds up.  Eventually these guys lose all their chips but they still deserve a savage beating for being stupid.

 

3.  The I play higher limits so I’m more skilled player:  This guy is fantastic because today he’s gracing you with his presence at the 5 dollar sng but normally he’s a 20/40 player and plays in only 100 sng’s so obviously he’s skilled and so he’ll point out all the mistakes everyone makes all game.  Two things if you’re so great why are you at the 5 dollar sng table getting aggravated at how bad everyone is playing, if you really play at the higher limits go up there and leave us alone.  Two if you’re really that high of a limit player how much do you suck at it to where you’re playing at a 5 dollar sng now.

 

4.  Mr. Double negative:  I know you’re bluffing so I’ll call, damn I knew you had a better pair than me.  This guy is wonderful to have around, he’s right and wrong in every statement he makes……”I know you’re bluffing so I’ll fold with my two pair because you’ll probably outdraw me.” This guy always makes the right call that makes no damn sense.

 

5.  The guy that minimum raises into a field of 5.  This guy needs to get kicked in the tool shed because you get 4 people limping for 20 chips and they minimum raise it to 40….WTF????? if you want to raise then raise damn it because you know you’re the first one to fold on the flop when we bet at you but you just cost everyone an extra bet and another vein to burst in our head.

 

6.  Are we playing blackjack:  Because this guy plays any hands that makes a good blackjack hand from any position…..K 10 offsuit utg yeah I’ll limp call any raise because I am going to hit a King and hope it’s good to the river, then I’ll turn into the scared minimum bet guy.  Sure I know I’ll never win a tournament but I’ll cripple a few good players on my way out of this thing, good times J

 

7.  Rabbit hunting guy: television created these monsters with the rabbit cam because they are hunting down every single hand to see if they would have outdrawn you.  “man that’s a big bet, I know I would have outdrawn you, I have mid pair with a crappy kicker and you raised over the top of someone else…..I fold but I want to see what comes next to see if I should of called”  The beauty of this statement is they fold and want to see the next two cards to see if “they should of called” they don’t know that just because you would of made some dumbass suckout play doesn’t mean you should of called monster bets to do it.  The truth is they lose a ton because their curiosity gets them and they outdraw some then piss their chips away the following hands but like a few other players mentioned on the list they cripple some decent players on their way out of the game, thanks for coming boys

 

8.  Mr. Human Calculator:  Stop trying to show off and talk about odds of cards coming and how many outs people had when you’re not even in a hand.  Fine, great you read a book and you’re not the typical donkey playing online, so stop trying to impress us with your chip shuffling and “outs” calculator brain of yours(which we know is a lie because you aren't that smart, you just memorized a couple of random card stats...."oooh you're a 33% to catch your flush draw"  duhhh we got that one off of television, now shut the hell up).  Just go back to playing Hellmuth’s book on Beginner Level hold em and stop tell everyone they are making stupid plays.

 

Ok a couple of more first one given to me from Phil...good one too, I'm mad I didn't think of it Thanks for the addition Phil.

 

9. He knows he's beat and folds, then proceeds to attempt to name everyone else's hole cards, WHILE THE HAND IS STILL PLAYING OUT.

 

10.  This one is from me but it sorta ties into Phils.  The guy that calls out all the possible winning hands, like, say the flop is 679 rainbow and everyones betting strong and then some idiot not in the hand goes "Wow, it'd be really cool to hold 8 10 right now or even 5 8 could make a straight......." This is usually when you're holding the 8 10 for the nut straight but your disguised straight is now halted because everyones betting has slowed down cautious of that hand.....HEY THANKS SPECTATOR MORON FOR WARNING PEOPLE THERE ARE STRAIGHT POSSIBLES OUT THERE!!!!! 

 

11. Ok got this guy from last night playing in a 180 person sng:  The short stack trying to creep to the money-guy: When you are in a mtt and it's less than 10 people until you cash and you get some short stack telling everyone "Ok guys just 8 to the money.....6 to the money......3 to the money guys" Thanks for telling us goofy, I'm guessing you want us all to not raise you now so you can limp into the cash to show a .02% profit, thanks for the info expect a raise from me on everyone one of your small blinds and big blinds which will be given to me risk free, glad to see you're scared not to cash....CHA CHING$$$$$$$.....The bad part is i'm usually talking to them encouraging it...."don't worry you're almost there, just 4 more people to go....damn didn't mean to raise your blind dealer gave me a monster again....just hang in there you're almost there....wow you limped from middle position and i re-raised you all-in, sorry i had a monster again, you know i want to see you cash...come on just hang in there.............."